August 5th 1989

August 5th, 1989 was a tragic day for me and my family. That morning I was driving a WaveRunner on the Colorado River in Laughlin, Nevada and a guy who was pulling a waterskier in his blue boat crashed into me. Apparently he was watching the waterskier instead of looking ahead. It was an accident, but it changed my life. 

I suffered two broken jaws that took many years and a lot of reconstructive surgeries to repair. I have a scar on my face that reminds me of how hard that whole experience was every time I look in the mirror. I took a hit, not just physically but also emotionally. My self-esteem suffered the most. I look back on that time, reading through the pages of my journals, pondering on my feelings about myself in those days, and I see how my scar was an outward reflection of an inward mark on my heart.

I worried a lot more than I should have about what people--the wrong people--thought of me. I recall children making fun of me in elementary school, and later in junior high, trying harder than ever to fit in. It was really stressful. Kids are kind of mean. 

By the time I was in high school, which is where I met my daughter's dad, I was aching for love and affection and because of that ache I dated a guy I knew I shouldn't--tried to break up with him a couple of times but I was too insecure. I believed him when he'd say that no one would love me like he did. I learned a valuable lesson: Never marry your high school sweetheart. In hindsight, high school sweethearts are not that sweet. And I'm glad no one loves me the way my ex-husband did...his kind of love was creepy and controlling...definitely not edifying or uplifting.

Anyway, my point in bringing all of this up is that August 5th came and went again. This year, as the sun was barely rising in the early morning hours way before it was time for me to wake up to my alarm clock, I couldn't help but think of how different my life is now. I'm thankful that my insecurities--those nasty stings that hurt, those chains that kept me bound for a couple of decades, those stumbling blocks that made the road so treacherous--are in many ways behind me now.

I think those insecurities, a lot of which resulted from my tragedy in 1989, paved the way to my single motherhood experience, and even made that experience last a lot longer than it probably could have. But I'm grateful for my trials. I see how they led me to a better place, to a good man. This poem came to my mind as my heart flooded with gratitude the other day. So, I jotted down the words...tapped my fingers so that they wouldn't escape me. Life is sweet.